Lonely Day
by elfmaiden4legs
Summary: ****Story inspired by the song 'Lonely Day' by System of a Down. Hutch contemplates what life might be like without Starsky after Gunthers shooting, and wonders if it really was all his fault! Warning: Minor death refrences!


**Lonely Day**

Today is the day you left me Starsk, or is it the other way around? The bullets tore through you as though you were nothing, the action meant nothing to the men who fired them, nothing more than an extra pay cheque in their next pay packet. I was inconsolable when they first wheeled you into the hospital. Why hadn't you listened to me when I'd told you to get down? For a few joyous seconds I thought I'd heard you behind me, covering my back, as I'd got yours. But now I realise that that sound must have been of their bullets as they tore through you. Was this really all my fault? I think the nurses were a little worried about me for a time, I must have been in quite a state as I don't really recall very much after that, after finding your damaged and broken body, but I managed to pull myself together. They need to focus on you now Starsk buddy.

I remember all those times when we've nearly lost each other before, but we were always still around to console each other, and hold each other's hand when the going got tough. Now you've gone to a place where I can't reach you, and I feel so alone, even though I know that I am not, not really. Captain Dobey and Huggy Bear do their best, but they're not you Starsk… I hope it's peaceful where you are buddy, and that you feel no pain.

Sometimes I wonder how many more times we're going to have to go through this. To keep on having to endure this constant suffering is torture, sometimes it feels as though we're living our lives constantly on the edge, fighting for our lives, and I'm not sure how much longer I can hold on without you buddy. At sometime somebody out there is going to have to take it upon themselves to say that's enough, to hold their hands up and call an end to this vendetta, because there's only so much heartache one man can endure.

Inside I'm crying… I'm calling out for help… I'm screaming aloud for you. I don't know how to handle this pain… I don't have a clue. I'm fighting to hold myself together for you, but every time I see you lying motionless and unconscious upon that cold hospital bed another small piece of me dies. I envisage myself down on my knees, begging you to come back to me… but you can't. I want to scream, and cry, and shout, and cuss, and take all the pain out on the people responsible for all this. I want to make sure they pay for what they've done, and then lose myself in grief… but the worst part is knowing that none of that would make any difference.

The loneliest day of my life was today.

I sometimes wonder why it seems as though life has become a constant life and death struggle, how anyone should be expected to live with the knowledge of what they might lose hanging over their head… only this time I fear it's gone too far. I wonder was anything ever worth all this? Where you've gone I can no longer reach you… and I feel as though I'm teetering on the brink. We've always had each other in the past, a reassuring shoulder to lean on, or an encouraging word to spur the other through… but that's all gone now, I can no longer hear your voice in my ear… and I've never felt so alone.

There's a part of me which hopes that one day we may look back at this moment together, and see it as just another obstacle which we came through, another of life's trails which we survived… but another part of me has my doubts. I hope you can hold on for me, and prove the doctor's wrong… but I'll never miss the pain and suffering which the thought of losing you has caused me. I'm only living a half-life, holding out for that missing half of me, the piece that died on the day you were taken away, until you come back to me again Starsk.

We did everything in health together Starsk, thee and me, side by side, we had each other's backs covered… best friends… closer than brothers… two halves of the same whole.

My life isn't worth living without you Starsk. I'd take your place at a moment's notice, but if you die that would spell the end for me… I can't live a half-life… I can't live without you.

Offer me your hand and take me to where I can reach you… make me whole again Starsky.

The loneliest day of my life happened a week ago today.

But today is our day Starsk.

Today was another victory for us, you came back to me, and I couldn't have felt more ecstatic. Relief flooded through me as I watched you open your eyes, although I hardly dared to believe what I was seeing at first. I could barely contain my joy, and then I realised that my prayers had been answered, you'd come back to me, and now life could begin again. Today was the day we survived.


End file.
